Nocturnal Chain Saws

Nothing is finer than waking up to the sounds of early summer: a whole mess of birds chirping and calling, squirrels shouting at each other, the occasional cat howling, early morning dog walkers greeting each other. The lilt of the breeze through windows that are wide-open as the air-conditioner, which has been installed, is not yet required for a good night’s sleep as will be the case in a few short weeks when Montreal’s humidity sinks in. But there is also a nocturnal racket that is most puzzling, at least the first time it is experienced.

I slowly opened one myopic eye to check for the telltale intermittent blue and red lights flashing across my bedroom ceiling that would indicate an emergency vehicle down below.

I recall several years ago being awakened at about 2:00 AM by the sound of an idling vehicle outside. As I live at a corner with traffic lights it isn’t all that unusual to hear cars waiting for the light to turn green, even at that time. But this was different; it lasted much longer than a red light. I slowly opened one myopic eye to check for the telltale intermittent blue and red lights flashing across my bedroom ceiling that would indicate an emergency vehicle down below. Nope, no dance-floor strobe light, red, blue or otherwise. Satisfied that there was no emergency, I nodded off to a half-sleep once again.

But before you can say Rip Van Winkle I am once again roused by what sounds like a chain saw. Yep, 2:15 AM and there’s a chain saw screaming away outside my building, with the idling vehicle hum in the background. Wait! Is that the compressor for the Jaws-of-Life I’m hearing? No, it couldn’t be, surly I’d have been thrown from my bed by the sound of an accident the impact of which required that life-saving device. Besides, once again opening said myopic eye, I am reassured by a lack of flashing lights above my bed. Back to sleep with a mental note to canvass neighbours’ trees for fresh pruning marks come morning.

What in the name of thundering Jesus is that? Is it a huge serpent or snake that has been loosed on the city, an exotic pet lizard that has escaped ...

A few moments later the mystery deepens as the chain saw stops, the vehicle continues to idle, and now a rhythmic hissing sound joins the cacophony. SSSSSSS … SSSSSSS … SSSSSS. What in the name of thundering Jesus is that? Is it a huge serpent or snake that has been loosed on the city, an exotic pet lizard that has escaped, or perhaps a group of vandals flattening tires? Should I be concerned?

And then, after a few moments it’s all over and peace once again descends on my little corner of the world. Back into the arms of Morpheus I slip and stay within that grip until the radio comes on in the morning.

It is only at 6:30 the next morning when I emerge from my building for my daily attempt to stave-off, by running, the ravages on my waistline of a few daily cold beers, that it all fits. For there it is, right in front of me: a freshly painted, bright reflective yellow, cross walk – a zebra crossing. The annual repainting of road markings that have been eroded by a winter of rock salt and snowplows always sneaks up on me. They do this under cover of darkness so as not to cause more traffic havoc during the day. Although it all made sense but one aspect: who, in their right mind, would, at 2:00 AM use a leaf blower to clear an area they are going to paint? What’s wrong with a good old broom?

Habs Hold Edge Over Bruins In Games Seven

The Montreal Canadiens, with a 4-0 victory over the Boston Bruins forced a deciding game seven in their current NHL playoff round. Game seven; get used to hearing that little phrase because it will be everywhere over the next 36 hours or so. 

The Canadiens and Bruins are no strangers to seventh game match-ups, having met in eight over the years. The Habs hold a five to three advantage over the Bruins in games seven. Yep, games seven is how I believe the plural should be put. Much like Governors General and Courts Martial, it is the number of games that is pluralized, not its place in the series. 

Carl Lavigne via @Dave_Stubbs

However if the only linguistic bugaboo we encounter during the next couple of days is the proper way to refer to more than one last game of a seven game series, we’ll be doing just fine. My heart goes out to all those sports journalists charged with getting an insight into the players’ take on Wednesday’s deciding game. At a time when teams are incredibly protective of the state of affairs in their dressing-rooms, referring to players’ injuries simply as either upper or lower body, sparing all details, reporters are usually stuck with cliché answers to their questions.

If a specific incident from a past game is queried that gives the player a bit of grist, but God forbid the question is about the upcoming Game Seven! So to save you time, just assume that the answers to any upcoming Game Seven questions will come from this list:

• They are always tough at home
• There’s no tomorrow
• We have to play a full sixty minutes
• We have to leave it all out there
• Win or go home
• We have to stay within ourselves
• We have to bring the game to them
• We must play our game

Outsourcing Rarely Provides The Same Outcome

Mario Beauregard/The Canadian Press

Once die-hard hard-copy readers pooh-poohed online versions stating, among other things, that they couldn’t fold a computer and put it in their pocket. Then along came tablets, and even mini-tablets that don’t need folding to fit snugly in most pockets.

My local newspaper, Montreal’s The Gazette, today made public plans to outsource the printing of the paper. I guess it’s a trend, but it seems like another nail in the coffin to me, and can't be very welcomed by the hundred or so workers who will lose their jobs.   

It was only a few years ago that the paper, like all print media, with one foot on a very slippery electronic slope, was bragging about building its own printing complex in the west end of the city. The building was erected on an empty site, the equipment was refurbished rather than new, yet after a period of technical hiccups and adjustments, the paper was rolling off the presses and arriving on doorsteps, usually on time.

But I suppose the writing was on the wall as well as on the newsprint. The shift to electronic versions of newspapers and magazines can’t be overlooked. Once die-hard hard-copy readers pooh-poohed online versions stating, among other things, that they couldn’t fold a computer and put it in their pocket. Then along came tablets, and even mini-tablets that don’t need folding to fit snugly in most pockets. 

Soon newspaper delivery methods changed from the traditional kids doing local routes on bicycle or foot to adults with cars zipping about under cover of the early-morning darkness, able to cover much more ground in a vehicle. Payment was made by credit card and carriers were never seen.

Next on the chopping block were some journalists themselves. Many through attrition, sadly others just let go. But strangely, as if by magic, many of the ex-Gazette writers continued to appear in the paper. The difference was that their contact information went from janedoe@thegazette.ca to janedoe@yahoo.ca . Yep, turf-out the employees then take some of them back as contractors. No benefits, no vacation pay, health insurance and pension contributions gone as well. The paper kind of looked the same, had much of the same content created by many of the same people, but those folks were now freelancers rather than employees. 

Yep, turf-out the employees then take some of them back as contractors. No benefits, no vacation pay, health insurance and pension contributions gone as well.

Now the latest tightening of the noose at The Gazette is the abandonment of that spanking new printing complex, which is up for sale, in favor of yet more contracting. No doubt come August when the switch is made a hard-copy version of the paper will be on my doorstep, but will it be there before I leave in the morning? Will it be clear and colorful; lined up and readable? 

I ask these questions because it has become apparent to me that while the contracting out of tasks that have long been done by “in house” employees may save a company or, more and more often, a municipality, money in the short run, the service rendered is rarely the same. For instance snow removal carried out by contractors may well be cheaper, but certainly isn’t done as thoroughly as when it was done by employees. Gardening, landscaping and garbage collection – don’t even ask! Contractors tend to do a job then move on to the next customer, regardless of quality. Employees aren't going anywhere and are able to get things right.

Is the hard-copy newspaper doomed, or is this a blip in its development?

UNICEF Takes On Public Defecation

National Geographic/ Randy Olson

The late George Carlin once pointed out that the word shit is almost always used in the figurative sense, you never hear anyone say "Look at the shit, Martha, little piles of it in the street". Evidently George never visited India.

But having a whiz on a trash can in an alley is a long way from crapping on Main Street.

A few days ago I came upon an odd news item. The United Nations is undertaking an awareness campaign regarding an issue of great public concern in some parts of the world. Not childhood hunger, not child abuse nor basic education. Nope: the issue is public defecation. I imagine that for most of us currently sitting before a computer screen or handheld device reading this, the notion of public defecation isn’t one that we encounter often, if ever. However in India about half the population does not use a toilet regularly. That’s not to say half the subcontinent suffers from chronic constipation, but that while dense traffic congestion may make getting from point A to point B almost impossible in most urban areas, Indian bowels seem to move when and where they want. And just to sharpen that image, bear in mind that half the population of India amounts to about 620 million part-time or full-time public bowel-movers.

For those of us in the West it is hard to get a grip on this phenomenon. I think most of us, yes you ladies too, can relate to the odd occasion when perhaps the line-up for the bathroom at the Frat House party is very long and having just finished off too much cheap beer urinating in an lane-way is a blessed relief. But having a whiz on a trash can in an alley is a long way from crapping on Main Street.

I certainly don't have a problem with the UN tackling this disgusting problem. Clearly the unhygienic nature of this activity poses all kinds of potential health hazards. I agree that the way to go about putting an end to this practice over time is through education, and in particular by explaining to children why they shouldn't do this. That is why the children’s aid branch of the UN, UNICEF, is heading up the program. The focal point of the campaign is a cartoon on YouTube that is aimed at youngsters. So far so good, right?

I don’t think even Disney could make a lump of dung charming.

I hate to be a party-pooper ... but my gripe is with the cartoon spokesperson, or spokes-turd, used to impart this important message: Mr. Poo. Yep, an animated pile of shit. Aside from the fact that this concept required zero creativity, I believe that by presenting a "cute" character to illustrate the issue detracts from its importance. I don’t think even Disney could make a lump of dung charming.

Given the youthful target audience I believe cartoons are a great medium, but perhaps Constable Crapper could lead the charge with help from his trusty informant Stan Stool-ie. Maybe Doctor Defecto and Nurse No could point out the dangers of public defection. By animating the actual “problem” in this way, it seems to me they have lost some of the gravity of things.

Popes Galore!

With four Popes - two dead, two living - numerous cardinals, hundreds of bishops and virtually countless priests, history will be made today in Rome. Not just with the canonization of two former Popes, John XXIII and John Paul II, but for the first time ever two popes will con-celebrate mass. Pope Francis and Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, who stepped down over a year ago, will be joined by clergy from around the world in saying mass. Having more than one living pope hasn't happened for eons, and evidently the last time it did the two passed on saying mass together.

Attending this momentous event will be throngs of worshipers, media and the generally curious. To say nothing of the hordes of security personnel that are unfortunately required in our modern world. Providing appropriate sanitary arrangements for such a large gathering is no easy undertaking, but officials have assured pilgrims that sufficient portable toilets, known as Vati-Cans will be in place.

There was some doubt regarding John Paul's second miracle and whether he actually qualified for sainthood. As far as I'm concerned one miracle would do the trick. It brings to my mind the situation in the bible where Christ spits on the ground, makes a bit of mud, applies it to a blind man's eyes and, Viola, he regains his sight. Some of those present still gave Christ a hard time, claiming he couldn't be who he said he was, because he performed this miracle on the sabbath. Hello people, the miracle was the focal point, not what day it was done on. This story also gave us the old toast, here's mud in your eye!

But that's a matter of doctrinal opinion, angels dancing on heads of pins. The harbouring of sexual abusers by moving them to different dioceses rather than excommunicating and prosecuting them is a whole different matter, but in a sense is also pin-headed.

In this most outstanding canonization of the social media era, commentary and criticism have been plentiful. Focused primarily on John Paul's papacy during which the cover-up of sexual abuse within the church was rampant. Some critics wonder if he is the stuff of which saints should be made. Whatever your thoughts on sainthood, these individuals are held up as role models in the Catholic Church.

John XXIII may have annoyed many conservatives with Vatican II, his attempt to bring the Church in line with a modern world, in fact there are those who still refuse to acknowledge the second Vatican Council. But that's a matter of doctrinal opinion, angels dancing on heads of pins. The harbouring of sexual abusers by moving them to different dioceses rather than excommunicating and prosecuting them is a whole different matter, but in a sense is also pin-headed.

A Letter To Canadian Hockey Fans

Dear Canadian Hockey Fans,

At about that very same time there was an audible exclamation from bars and living rooms across the rest of Canada "Oh shit, here we go again" as Montreal's 1993 run of playoff magic popped into minds from east to west.

At about 9:40 PM (EDT) last Tuesday the Montreal Canadiens completed a four-game sweep of the Tampa Bay Lightning in the first round of the NHL playoffs. With just seconds remaining in a 3-3 game and overtime looming Max Pacioretty scored to send the Lighting packing. At about that very same time there was an audible exclamation from bars and living rooms across the rest of Canada; "Oh shit, here we go again" as Montreal's 1993 run of playoff magic popped into minds from east to west.

Don't get me wrong, one series - even a swept one - does not a Stanley Cup make. No one here, except maybe the mayor, is planning a championship parade. There is a long way to go, hopefully much more hockey to be played, but so far so good.

As the only Canadian team to make the post-season, Montreal has become the darling of hockey fans nationwide. Ha! I don't think so, but nor do I blame fans in other cities. I don't think I could pull for the Maple Leafs if they were the only club to make it. 

So for those of you in the rest of Canada, you have two choices, either maintain an ABM - Anyone But Montreal - approach, or embrace the Habs as your team. Should you choose the latter, here are some tips that may come in handy.

Being the sole Canadian representative isn't really noticeable here: the pressure to win the Stanley Cup is always cranked-up to 100% in Montreal. Once Jacques Villeneuve was asked if he gave a little something extra when racing on the circuit named for his late father. He simply said No, and went on to explain that if he could give a little extra in one race, he must be giving less than 100% in the others. Jacques clearly understands that no matter how popular the expression has become in sports journalism, it is impossible to give 110%!

So for those of you in the rest of Canada, you have two choices, either maintain an ABM - Anyone But Montreal - approach, or embrace the Habs as your team. Should you choose the latter, here are some tips that may come in handy.

Olé Olé

The Olé Olé song is sung at various points during games when things are going well. It isn't the Montreal version of the Na Na Hey Hey Good-Bye song that some fans sing when they feel their team has the game in the bag. So singing Olé Olé in the first period is not being cocky.

Forum Ghosts

The Montreal Forum was home to the Canadiens until 1996. Many cup championship teams called the Forum home, but the Habs have yet to win since leaving. Over the years the ghosts of champions past were rumoured to play a role in the team's success. (Just ask Don Cherry about a certain too many men on the ice penalty.)

The team's dearth of cups since moving has caused some to wonder if the ghosts got lost on the way to their new home. Eighteen years is a long time to go a dozen blocks or so, even if your are an apparition. But in fairness to the spirits of past champs, when they set out in 1996 they were looking for a place called the Molson Centre which is now called the BELL Centre. Confusing no doubt. Something else that may account for their tardiness are the many distractions along the way. You see aside from Stanley Cup hockey, as anyone who lives here can attest, Montreal is well known for its beautiful women, some of whom work in various establishments that call for them to wear very little if anything. Several of these infamous clubs are to be found between the Forum and the current home of the Habs. If those ghosts got lost and ended up in Stanley Street's Chez Parée, we may never see another Stanley Cup!  

Youppi!

Many long-time Habs fans yearn for the days before laser shows, blaring music and mascots were the norm in the NHL.  But Youppi! may have found his way into the hearts of even the most traditional fans because of his pedigree. Youppi! was hired by the Canadiens after he was unceremoniously cut free from the Expos when they were unceremoniously taken away from us. Somehow having the orange Muppet around adds a little something. The Expos-related banners that hang from the BELL Centre rafters alongside the Habs' are also a nice touch.    

 National Anthem

As Kate Smith, and her rousing rendition of God Bless America, became a tradition for the Philadelphia Flyers, Ginette Reno's O Canada is becoming one to the Canadiens. Playing O Canada is sometimes a bit dicey in Montreal, given the odd leather-lunged separatist's penchant to boo, but lately it seems there are a whole lot more folks singing than just Ginette! 

There you have it, now sit back and enjoy the ride either by hopping on the bandwagon, or looking forward to seeing the wheels fall off!

Cheers,

Deegan
 

Search Engine Shakedown

The news that Facebook was squeezing small businesses and other websites and blogs out of the personal profile section and into the brand promoting side of things spelled the end of free advertising. No longer would Facebook tolerate bloggers and small businesses getting a free-ride with personal profiles. 

Pay up or be overlooked. Does the word payola come to mind?

Not long ago another blogging platform sent a friendly reminder to its many users informing them that if they used a Facebook personal profile as a means of promoting their blogs, something recommended by all, they should switch to a Facebook Brand or Fan page, using the Pages platform. They claimed that Facebook would soon start checking and all those individual profile pages that they deemed to be blog promoters would be removed.

It reminded me of the underworld gimmick known as ‘protection fee’ which is no longer limited to shake-down artists. In the original version of this despicable activity a bar or restaurant proprietor is visited by a representative of a crime syndicate who strongly suggests that, for a regular cash fee, his group will be pleased to see to it that no harm comes to the establishment. Should the owner refuse on the grounds that his or her place does not need to be protected, within no time at all the windows might be broken and perhaps a small fire will mysteriously break out. The owner will subsequently be visited once again and asked to start paying the fee as clearly he or she was mistaken and their bar is indeed a target. Obviously this is blackmail, as the one offering the protection service is the one causing the damage, then seeking cash not to destroy the bar. Pay up or look out, but all done under the guise of offering a valuable service.  

Some recent search engine research indicates that underworld crime rings are not the only ones using this tactic. It seems some search engines share similar traits with insurance companies in that they want us to think they are there to provide a service, but in truth they exist to make as much money as possible.

There was a time when search engines scoured the World Wide Web for the best match to your query. The better they were at it, the more people would use their services and the more people looking at their site, the more advertising they could sell, and the higher their profit.

But that wasn't enough. Not satisfied with mere advertising revenue, search engines started turning a profit from the actual search results. Not just the ones that are labeled sponsored that pop up at the very top of your results page, but a system of extracting cash from sites that resembles underworld protection fees. If you don't pay the search engine to include your site, it will be buried on page 746. Even if your site fulfills all the search parameters entered by the net surfer, the search engine may pass over you unless you have subscribed to a payment plan.    

Companies have been paying for premium services all along, but now even small companies and individuals can be held hostage unless they pony up. Why individuals? Because if a crawl of your site indicates to the search engine that you are a business and not a person, they will lump you in with businesses. And businesses that don’t pay get buried. Is there a problem with a search engine charging for its services? Of course not, we do live in a capitalist society after all. The problem is that it is the search engine itself that determines whether you are a business or not. And if they get it wrong, God help you! There does not seem to be an appeal process.

The engines unleash their bevy of crawlers and creepers, spiders, hummingbirds and algorithms that weave through the Internet then return to home-base and report on what are and aren't brand pages.

The engines unleash their bevy of crawlers and creepers, spiders, hummingbirds and algorithms that weave through the Internet then return to home-base and report on what are and aren't brand pages. Apparently some of the simpler things they check on are whether your site has a person's full name and a photograph instead of a logo. So if 'Fred's Food For Thought' personal not-for-profit blog has a simple design instead of Fred's picture, poor Fred may be banished to the search engine dungeon, collateral damage in the search for brands trying to scam the search engine 

I used to think of search engines as being somewhat like librarians. When you couldn't find what you wanted on your own, the reference librarian would put his or her skills and training to use and deliver to you the best results possible. There was no cost to the user for this, and the librarian received their salary for doing their job. But imagine if librarians said to writers and publishers, we're not going to give your book a prominent place unless you subscribe to our library fund.  Pay up or be overlooked. Does the word payola come to mind?

What does this mean for the future of search engines? Will users be charged to get the results? Will a kid doing research on ski resorts in Colorado for an economics class have to pay to get the most accurate information? Isn't that double-dipping?